Fitbaw Awards 2007

The first two go to people who sadly can’t be with us this evening:

The Scarlet Pimpernel award for most successful vanishing act goes to Donny.

The PISH award for a Person Impersonating A Soccer Hero, but still coming bottom of the league goes to William.

The Tartan Army National Service award for getting behind the boys and giving the whole country a reason to enjoy their football goes to Martie.

For his sexy black undershorts, the La Senza award for adventures in underwear goes to Simon.

For winning 6 and drawing 1 of this last 7 games purely to achieve the 1.5 average that he started out with the Stuart Munro award for outstanding mediocrity goes to Neil.

The ROCK award (Reliable Old Campaign King) for reliability, dependability and sheer year long consistency goes to Alan.

The Moody Blue award for constant and unending whingeing goes to Kyle.

The Dug Ate My Fitbaw Boots award for the worst excuse for not playing goes to Scott. We’re hoping he’ll take this to heart and come up with much better excuses now that he’s a member of the hard core.

The Con-toe-versey award for inadvertently being at the centre of the biggest stooshie of the year goes to Stuart.

The Ally Bain award for logistical prestidigitation in all aspects of "match arranging" goes to Eeky. And we’re proud to present this special commemorative calculator, and a voucher-based token of our esteem.

Player’s player of the year, the player with the most man of the match votes, and the most uses of the "babysitting" excuse, the MOM of the Year award goes to Foxy.

Lastly, we don’t know exactly how, because he’s never exactly been a purist's player, but it surely has something to do with the fact that every week since he started at the Fitbaw he gave a consistent 100% effort from beginning to end, the Player Of The Year award goes to Karl.

Awards speech

Thanks to Si and Jon for doing the awards last year. Si has been kind enough to furnish me with the speech from the night so you can enjoy the hilarity whenever you please.

---

What a year!

It kicked off with Creeky taking an unexpected position at the top of the stats table. We all felt a little deflated but none more so than our man in the Ivory Tower, Iain. He carried out some statistics on some complicated spreadsheet and concluded there might have been a chance that he wouldn't win the coveted Player of the Year title if this continued. So a plan was hatched.

He took to dirty dealings and bribed Big Stu, and specifically Big Stu's foot which, just a few games into the season, became acquainted with Creeky's face. Creeky's nose was broken and he was destined to be toppled from the table top.

Not so! Creeky made a dramatic return, and return to form. With playing by the rules not working, Iain tried another dirty trick and enlisted the help of the Raging Bull, Craig Heighton. On Creeky's return, the Bull saw to it that Creeky and a wall would become friends, and the wall saw to it that Creeky's teeth would be removed. Another forced absence for the big man. But strangely he still remained top of the table...

Now it was getting silly. Even playing in a ludicrous, if coordinating, gumshield could not hamper the big man's propensity for accumulating points, and his lead extended.

"God Damn It!" Iain cursed, and not only because of his sorry mid-table standing - he was also losing his grip on the refereeing of the game as a number of arguments were starting. Arguments over whether the ball had crossed the goal line, whether the ball was handled outside the area, and whether goals should be discounted just because Neil wasn't looking ("I shouted ball in") were becoming all too familiar. Outside help was needed and Iain made The Call, to a man with surveillance equipment, and our first game was televised, for pint per view, on Tambacam.

Shortly after our first outing on the small screen, Iain used the television evidence and noted a rule discrepency. He cited drugs. He said performance-enhancing drugs had been used, hidden in the gumshield of Christain Graham, and the player was sent on extended leave from fitbaw. We can only imagine that the 'shingles' excuse used in the press was a cover up. Oh how the truth comes out. Creeky was banished by Iain 'Sepp Bletter' Cochrane. But Creeky, for your services to the NHS, please accept your award.

So with a player down, we looked to the reserves. It was quite telling that, with the choice of Stevie, Kyle, William, Scotty and Donny at our disposal, when Alan went AWOL one week, we chose the Nations favourite: Random Stan.

In a pique of fury, on Alan's return the following week, he booted the ball over the goal, over the fence, over the boundary, over the road and under Long Distance Clara's articulated lorry. I think I speak for us all when I say I wish Random Stan had been there instead. To Alan - the gie my ball back mister award.

This year also saw the return of Neil, enthusiastic as ever. In fact, never before have I seen a man jump and chase after a ball with so much excitement, saliva dripping from his mouth as he runs. It seems that the doctor who carried out the repairs on the wee man's leg may have been a vet and mistakenly spliced his bone with that of a dog. Neil, your award for "Scottish Terrier Impression of the Year". Catch! Down Boy!

But as Neil arrived full time, one player went almost part time. Martie thought it acceptable to put Rangers, gigs and Scotland internationals before our mighty battles. But he did get on the telly once so, for "Scottish Sports TV Personality of the Year", Martie you get this award.

As the season progressed, the harmony was broken and things hotted up. Two players didn't see eye to eye (but then it is quite difficult to see eye to eye with Craig, he is quite wee), and two handbags came out. For Foxy and Craig, their two fortunes could not have been more different. Foxy, for most man of the match awards, gets "Players' Player of the Year"; and Craigo gets an ASBO.

Taking evasive measures after these ugly scenes, we all retired to consider. Karl seemed to take it all quite seriously, though, and must have furiously studied Karate Kid I, II and III. He came back after Mr Myagi's teachings with a new-found weapon, a defensive and attacking high kick. No can defence! For this, Karl, you get this award.

Maybe he was just shielding his eyes from the sun with his feet, though. Some of the searing temperatures we played in this summer were quite extraordinary. There were ding dong battles over which team would play out of the shadows, because, like ten wicked witches of the west, none of us wanted to face the sun. Iain again came to what he would like to call the rescue, and came up with some new rules. We would swap ends every half hour! Or three times a game! No, after every goal! Hell, just when I tell you to! The power was clearly going to his head. The squad felt oppressed. We revolted, and ended up just carying on as normal. But, for his mighty efforts at keeping charge and name and shaming those who don't vote in the Man of the Match, he has to get an award. So, "Communist Dictator of the Year" goes this year to Iain.

And also this, a token of our thanks for keeping the website running and the numbers up.

Moving on, two new faces came to town. For one, who plays like Pele but dresses like a proper Charlie (Stevie, those socks...), you get this award - Stop Taking the Piss. And for the other, a man with tricks and an eye for goal but who, like his namesake Kylie Minogue, is also a solo artist, never passing the ball, you get the Spinning Around Award.

Time is moving on, but then who's keeping time? Certanliy not Gordo, if a match in mid summer is anything to go by. With his team already trailing by three and without our commander Iain to tell us the time, Gordo took it upon himself to blow for full time as he strode back towards his noisy car, steam fizzing out his ears. It didn't feel like we'd been playing for an hour, and that's probably because we had only played forty minutes. At least one of us was home, showered, changed and fed in time for the half seven showing of Coronation Street that night.

Well, Gordo, for actually being one of the better players in the squad yet still finding yourself rooted to the bottom of the stats table, I'm afraid you get the Learner Award. Maybe learning to get better team mates, I don't know...

Which just leaves us with one Gong to give out. For a sterling effort throughout the year, and for some silly goal celebrations, Stuart, you are this years POTY. Now get to the bar!

[applause. Jon and Si carried to the bar on shoulders]

Friday Night "Transcript"

I hope you all enjoyed Friday night as much as I did. Great night and a good laugh. Thanks to all of you for coming and thanks again for my giant football set and "tickets" to the mighty Gers! I really appreciate it chaps!

Below you'll find details of the awards - who got what and why - in case anyone is interested. If anyone wants an electronic copy of their award then I've put them all onto flickr for you to download.

---

Thanks

Foxy for booking the pitch every week.
Si & Martie for helping me get hold of players.
Creeky for keeping the website going when I've been away.
All the reserves for making up the numbers.

Summary

Our first full season (though we did miss one game due to the weather breaking the pitch)
Lost the Brothers Barker - Luke to retirement and Tom to the English Premiership
But had the promotion of young Karl
We had out first proper injury with Neil's broken leg (Si just fell over last year and was out for months - doesn't count!)
We unfortunately saw the rise of the pitch from £45 to £46.95, enabling me to embezzle my 5p/week again. Excellent!
We finished the season with Creeky's nose smashed all over the place which put him out of the running leaving a two horse race on the final game of the season.
All in all, I'm sure you'll all agree, a very exciting and enjoyable season.

Stats

Number of proper games = 47
Number of games abandoned due to broken bones = 1! Not 2 even though Neil almost detroyed his leg!

Number of wins for the Mincer = 29
Number of wins for the Tatties = 15
Number of draws = 3

Number of goals for the Mince = 615
Number of goals for the Tatties = 540
Total number of goals = 1155

Ave number of goals per game = 24 and a bit
Ave score per game = 13 - 11.5

Awards

Karl - Right Place, Right Time Award. He nornally scores about the same as most people but I lost track of the number of times Mr Reid popped up at the end of games to net the one goal that either snatched a draw or grabbed the winner for his team. Not only that but he also popped up to score that magical 1000th goal of the season. Also special recognition for Karl's hair for never moving during the game.

Alan - Peter Crouch Award - This one was between Creeky and Alan but the winner is Alan for being very tall, pretty handy but not really managing to score that many!

Martie - "Should have taken up bowls" Award for failing to get into double figures of wins this year.

Creeky - Stookie Award which was between Neil and Creeky but he wins it for him looking so rediculous with that thing on his nose!

Gordo - Left Slipper Award for managing to send the ball anywhere and everywhere with his magic left peg. Also well played for sharing the MOTM award with Si.

Si - Megged by Foxy. This was hotly contested between Alan and Si but due to the frequencey of Foxy playing the ball through Si's gapingly wide legs (at least twice a week), Si win this one hands down. On another note, Si did manage to rack up the most MOTM votes!

Neil - Henrick Larsson Award for his spectacular comeback to form after a broken leg. Unbeaten since his return!

Craigo - The Handbags at Dawn Award for consistently managing to get himself into every scrape, argument or altercation that happens on the pitch regardless of his actual involvement!

Jon - Dennis Bergkamp Award for his weekly appearances "off the bench"

Stu - Almost Player of the Year - He lead the league from week four (I was top for the first three weeks - oh how the mighty have fallen) only to go second a few weeks ago. He quickly regained top spot and held it right up until the last 2 minutes of regulation time on Wednesday. He's a champion among men, but just not quite Player of the Year.

Foxy - Player of the Year - I'm not sure what Foxy winning this award tells us. That age is better than youth? That eating pies are better than fitness? That nutmegging the opposition is better than a high work rate? That shouting "PISH!" at your team members makes you look better? I have no idea. But what I do know is that although Stuart looked uncatchable, Foxy managed to pull it back and you can't argue with the results.

The 2004 Fitbaw Awards!

Fitbaw Awards
Originally uploaded by cocovan.

Well I don't know about you guys, but I thought last night went quite well! Thanks very much for all coming out and helping to drink the kitty. When I got home last night, there was a whole £1 left in my pocket from it!

Thanks also very much for my smashing Sampdoria top - it's a cracker and a perfect fit for my manly frame too!

In caes anyone missed any of the awards last night, here's the list and reasons why people won what. If anyone wants an electronic version of their award (maybe you'd like to set it as your desktop to let the whole world know?) then send me an email and I'll get your award to you.

Enjoy the game tonight! I'll be at home playing with my new £30 GameCube - w00t!

Si:
The Crap Injury Award - He ran, he fell over and that was it. No one tackled him, no one ran into him - he just fell over and that was that. He ain't played for 20 weeks. Si!

Tom:
The Thunderbolt Award - Goes to the player with the mightiest shot. Martie, Gordon and Creeky all have a lethal shot on them but none of them can match the awesome power on display when Tom winds up that right toe of his!

Luke:
Lucky Dip of Excuses - Does he have them all pre-thought or does he think them up on the spot. From "I'm blind" right the way through to "I can't play on Wednesday because I have a chess match on the Tuesday", Luke has missed the most number of games with the worst number of reasons.

Neil:
Terrible Haircut of the Year - Contenders are Stu (mullet), Martie, (gay hair band) but goes to Neil for his "magic" ponytail/comb-over.

Martie:
The Left foot of the Year - It must be so good as he's scared to use it against us.

Michael:
Hack of the Year - Not that Michael is a dirty player. We refer of course to his journalistic style in the match reports.

Stuart:
Most Improved Player of the Year - Nothing to do with footballing skills - he just looks less offensive now without the ginger bush and the mullet. A vast improvement.

Gordon:
The Ole Gunnar Solskjaer Award - Like the man this award is named after, this person has proved themselves to be more than able to come off the bench and slot into any team. He also normally proves to be better than the person he normally replaces!

Craig:
The Bulldozer Award - as wide as a fitbaw goal and with pace like a whippet, there no man more like to come charging up the wing, straight at you and then right over the top. He's also managed to be involved in broken toes, snapped ankles and twanged hammies without actually managing to injure himself.

Christian:
The Multi-hinged Limbs of the Year - Could be Alan, but for his ability to steal the ball from your feet whilst standing on the other side of the pitch, Big Creeky wins the award.

Foxy:
The Ally McCoist Award - Not since the glory days of the genius that was Ally McCoist have we seen such unashamed poaching on the park. Is it that he has the ability to read the game well or is it coz he's just getting on in years? I'm sure Foxy will be proud to receive an award named after his hero!

Alan:
Player of the Year - Only a few have topped the league (Martie, Foxy, Luke(?)) but one man has remained there for 99% of the time. King Midas, The Rock in defence, the lowest scorer of goals! ALAN!